Swim: 40minutes. Swim course was shorter than last year but the current and waves were as vicious. the two motion sickness pills i pop in 30 minutes before race start did nothing. I vomitted the nasi lemak i had for breakfast (2 hours before race) upon exiting the sea.
Bike: 3H 22Mins. Felt that bike was extremely slow. At 38km, the front tyre starts to wobble and i know it meant trouble. At the U-turn at KM40, i decided to stop and check. Tubular tire has a tear. Beyond repair. I know this will happen. More so when i forgot to bring the CO2 canisters and had to rely on one small Puny pump, which happens to be in the car. Lost a good 20minutes there. Happy to see so many caring racers asking if i am alright and wishing me luck with the technical glitch.
Run: 3H 30Mins. It was a walk. I only managed to walk the first 10km in 1:30 and the subsequent 11km was a crawl. I had Wifey pulled me along the last 5km of the walk and literally so up that small freaking !@#$ hill. I told her my battery was out and she thought i meant the Ipod.
No, it was me. I ran out of battery. I ran out of reserves energy even.
I crossed the line in a record 7Hours 45Mins. I keep "improving every year". Improving as in my time INCREASES every year. Sign of old age.
There is no drama apart from me having some internal disagreement with myself. I was fighting myself. The evil part won. If was wifey's good part that pulled me to the line.
I shed tears at KM12 of the walk when i saw Zabrina waiting for Ishsal. I told her i just want to go home. I gave up and yet, i convince myself to finish it.
I've been feeling down for months. I know a lot of friends told me that i am better off than many people, having a family that loves me and look up to me. That is all that matters.
I never deny that. But somehow, deep within myself, i know i am made for more than just that. I have far better expectation of myself. I am not someone that gives up. I never do. I never did until after IronMan Langkawi 09.
The injury i sustained was just a perfect excuse. The fact of the matter was, i lost it. I've bitten my tongue through worse injuries to finish any races beating evil self.
Could it be work?
Perhaps. I've not been the same since i was given a new direct report. I found myself battling against the current. At times, i emerged a winner, but most of the time, i lose. I do not feel in control the way i used to be. I feel...bleh.
Could it be my training?
Perhaps. What training? It was non-existence. The only thing i did was to convince myself that i still "have it" and i will emerge unscathed time and time again. Only to find myself falling harder every race and every training. What used to be a breeze has since turned into an ordeal of some sort. What used to be an ordeal has now became a torture.
Torture.
Torture.
I had difficulty sleeping this morning, despite being knackered and all burned out from the Saturday race. I was up till 3am. My staff asked me why i sleep so late and still in Facebook. And this morning, i talked myself to sleep, justifying all my worries at work to "virtual" management and clients that i will get all the work done and delivered.
Family, as they say, are always there, that is the only thing i have now and i am making it a point to leave office by 7.30pm everyday. I will not stay longer.
I need to regain back some balance in life. And i think i am burning out.
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